Understanding Attachment Styles: How They Shape Your Relationships
Today, I want to chat about something that often comes up in relationships—attachment styles. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or even family, how we relate to others is shaped by the attachment style we develop in early life. These styles can impact how we connect, how we handle conflict, and even how we view ourselves in relationships. Understanding your own attachment style can help you navigate your relationships with more awareness and compassion.
Let’s dive into a quick overview of the four main attachment styles and then explore how we can show up more securely in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust others without feeling overly dependent or anxious. They communicate openly, maintain healthy boundaries, and can rely on their partner while still maintaining a sense of independence.
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style tend to worry about being abandoned or unloved. They may crave closeness but fear rejection, leading to clingy or needy behaviors. They often need constant reassurance from their partner and may feel overly sensitive to relationship dynamics.
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style typically value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or emotional intimacy. They may distance themselves emotionally from their partner and struggle with expressing vulnerability, often suppressing their own needs.
4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. People with a disorganized attachment style may crave closeness but also fear it, leading to confusing or contradictory behaviors. They may struggle with trusting others due to unresolved past trauma or experiences of abandonment.
10 Examples of How to Show Up Securely Attached vs. Insecurely Attached
Let’s break it down with some practical examples. Below are 10 ways to show up securely attached in your relationships compared to how someone with insecure attachment (whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) might act.
1. Communication During Conflict
• Securely Attached: You calmly express your feelings and listen to your partner’s point of view, looking for a resolution together.
• Insecurely Attached: You may either shut down and avoid the conversation (avoidant) or become overly emotional and defensive (anxious).
2. Handling Alone Time
• Securely Attached: You’re comfortable giving your partner space and trust that the relationship remains strong even when you’re apart.
• Insecurely Attached: You feel anxious when your partner is away, often fearing they may lose interest or abandon you.
3. Emotional Expression
• Securely Attached: You openly share your emotions without fear of judgment and create space for your partner to do the same.
• Insecurely Attached: You may suppress your feelings to avoid vulnerability (avoidant) or overwhelm your partner with constant emotional outbursts (anxious).
4. Trusting Your Partner
• Securely Attached: You trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt, believing in the strength of your relationship.
• Insecurely Attached: You might constantly doubt your partner’s intentions or loyalty, leading to jealousy and insecurity.
5. Managing Disagreements
• Securely Attached: You view disagreements as opportunities to understand each other better and strengthen the relationship.
• Insecurely Attached: You either avoid the conflict entirely (avoidant) or see it as a sign that the relationship is in trouble (anxious).
6. Asking for Support
• Securely Attached: You feel comfortable asking for help or support when you need it, knowing it’s okay to rely on your partner.
• Insecurely Attached: You might feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help (avoidant), or you constantly seek reassurance to feel valued (anxious).
7. Maintaining Independence
• Securely Attached: You have your own hobbies, friends, and interests outside the relationship and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Insecurely Attached: You may become overly dependent on your partner for emotional fulfillment (anxious) or overly detached, avoiding too much involvement in their life (avoidant).
8. Reacting to Change
• Securely Attached: You’re flexible and adaptable when plans change or life throws curveballs, knowing that your relationship can handle it.
• Insecurely Attached: You may feel anxious and panicked when things don’t go as expected (anxious) or shut down and emotionally distance yourself (avoidant).
9. Showing Affection
• Securely Attached: You offer and receive affection naturally, without feeling smothered or fearful of rejection.
• Insecurely Attached: You may shy away from physical or emotional closeness (avoidant) or constantly seek validation through affection (anxious).
10. Responding to Partner’s Needs
• Securely Attached: You are attuned to your partner’s needs and respond with empathy, without losing sight of your own needs.
• Insecurely Attached: You either ignore your partner’s emotional needs to protect yourself (avoidant) or become overly focused on their needs at the expense of your own (anxious).
Building Secure Attachment
The good news is, no matter where you currently find yourself on the attachment spectrum, you can learn to develop a more secure attachment style. It takes awareness, practice, and sometimes, professional support. By understanding your attachment style and how it shows up in your relationships, you can take intentional steps toward showing up more securely and fostering deeper, healthier connections.
Whether you recognize some of these insecure attachment behaviors in yourself or your partner, the key is compassion and communication. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about striving to create a safe and supportive bond where both partners feel valued and heard.
If you’re interested in exploring your attachment style or working on becoming more securely attached, feel free to reach out. I’d be happy to help guide you through that process!
Warmly,
Savery Bakker, RPC-c
Registered Professional Counsellor