Navigating a Relationship with a Partner Who Has CPTSD from Childhood Trauma
Let’s have a chat about something that can be both challenging and rewarding—being in a relationship with someone who has Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), especially when it stems from childhood trauma. This isn’t always an easy topic to talk about, but understanding your partner’s struggles and learning how to show up for them in the best way possible can truly strengthen your bond.
What is CPTSD?
CPTSD is a condition that often develops as a result of prolonged exposure to trauma, especially during childhood. Unlike traditional PTSD, which can develop after a single traumatic event, CPTSD is rooted in repeated, long-term trauma. This could be due to neglect, emotional or physical abuse, or growing up in an unstable, chaotic environment.
Someone with CPTSD may struggle with deep-seated emotional wounds that affect their relationships, self-esteem, and even how they perceive the world around them. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has CPTSD, you might notice they have emotional triggers that seem out of place or hard to understand. But with patience, empathy, and a little knowledge, you can support your partner in ways that really matter.
Common Triggers and Struggles in CPTSD
While everyone’s experience with CPTSD is different, there are some common emotional and relational struggles your partner may face. Let’s look at a few typical challenges and triggers, so you can better understand what your partner might be going through.
1. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection
What it looks like: Your partner may have an intense fear that you’ll leave or reject them, even if there’s no real reason to believe that will happen. They may become anxious or clingy if you’re distant, even briefly.
Trigger: Small arguments, missed texts, or emotional distance can trigger a fear of abandonment, as childhood trauma often involved caregivers who were unavailable or unreliable.
2. Emotional Flashbacks
What it looks like: Your partner may suddenly seem distant, overwhelmed, or highly emotional in situations that don’t seem connected to their current reality. This could be because they’re experiencing an emotional flashback—a sudden flood of feelings from a past trauma triggered by something in the present.
Trigger: Certain words, tones of voice, or even physical spaces can trigger these flashbacks, causing your partner to feel as if they’re reliving their trauma, even if the current situation is safe.
3. Difficulty Trusting Others
What it looks like: Your partner may have difficulty fully trusting you or believing you have their best interests at heart. This isn’t a reflection of you; it’s rooted in past betrayals or inconsistent caregiving during their childhood.
Trigger: Even minor breaches of trust, like forgetting to follow through on a promise, can feel much bigger for someone with CPTSD, reinforcing their belief that people will ultimately let them down.
4. Hypervigilance
What it looks like: Your partner may always seem “on edge,” constantly scanning for signs of danger or conflict. This hypervigilance is a survival mechanism they developed in childhood to stay safe in unstable environments.
Trigger: Being in a new or unpredictable environment, or even unexpected changes in plans, can make your partner feel anxious or unsafe.
5. Emotional Dysregulation
What it looks like: Your partner may struggle with intense emotions that seem to come out of nowhere—swinging from feeling deeply sad to highly anxious or from angry to numb. This emotional rollercoaster can make them feel out of control.
Trigger: Conflicts, misunderstandings, or situations that remind them of their trauma can cause overwhelming emotions that are difficult to manage.
How to Show Up as a Supportive Partner
Now that we’ve discussed some typical triggers and struggles let’s dive into how you can best support your partner. Loving someone with CPTSD can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to create a safe and nurturing relationship that promotes healing.
1. Practice Patience
It can be hard not to take your partner’s reactions personally, but patience is key. Healing from CPTSD takes time, and there will be moments when your partner reacts in ways that might seem out of proportion. Try to remind yourself that these reactions are part of their trauma history, not a reflection of their feelings for you.
Tip: When your partner is triggered, offer a calm presence. Simply saying, “I’m here for you” or “We’ll get through this together” can make a world of difference.
2. Create Emotional Safety
Your partner’s emotional world may have been chaotic growing up, so creating a safe space in your relationship is essential. This means being consistent, reliable, and emotionally available. Be someone they can count on when they’re feeling vulnerable.
Tip: Follow through on your promises, communicate openly, and reassure them that you’re not going anywhere, even when things get tough.
3. Avoid Triggers Where Possible
While it’s impossible to avoid every trigger, being aware of what might set off your partner’s emotional flashbacks or anxieties can help you navigate certain situations more thoughtfully. This doesn’t mean walking on eggshells, but it does mean being mindful.
Tip: If you know that a certain type of conflict triggers your partner’s fear of abandonment, gently approach disagreements, reassuring them that your relationship is strong, even when you disagree.
4. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms
You can support your partner in managing their emotions by encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, like mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, or journaling. You might also suggest they speak with a therapist, if they’re not already doing so, to work through their trauma in a safe and structured way.
Tip: Suggest doing calming activities together, like going for a walk, practicing yoga, or simply sitting in quiet reflection. This can help your partner feel grounded and supported.
5. Educate Yourself on CPTSD
The more you understand about CPTSD, the better equipped you’ll be to support your partner. Read up on the topic, ask them questions about their experiences, and listen with empathy. Let your partner know that you’re committed to learning and growing alongside them.
Tip: A great resource is “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. It’s an in-depth look at how trauma affects the body and mind, and offers insights into how people can heal from deep-seated trauma.
Final Thoughts
Being in a relationship with someone who has CPTSD can be challenging at times. Still, you can build a loving and supportive partnership with patience, understanding, and a commitment to emotional safety. Remember that your partner’s reactions are often linked to their past trauma, not the present moment, and showing up with empathy and compassion will help both of you navigate those tough times.
If you need more guidance on how to support your partner—or if your partner is looking for additional support themselves—I’m here to help. Navigating CPTSD isn’t easy, but with the right tools and support, it’s possible to create a safe, loving, and secure relationship for both of you.
Warmly,
Savery Bakker, RPC-c
Registered Professional Counsellor