Identifying Self-Sabotage in Relationships: 10 Signs to Watch For

Hey there! I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that many of us do without even realizing it—self-sabotage in relationships. It’s a tough subject because often, the behaviors that harm our relationships are deeply ingrained, and we may not even notice we’re doing them until the damage is done. But don’t worry, we all have our blind spots, and recognizing them is the first step toward change!

Let’s explore some common signs of self-sabotage in relationships and how they might show up. If you see yourself in any of these, take a breath. You’re not alone, and the fact that you’re noticing is already a big step forward.

1. Pushing People Away When Things Get Close

Have you ever felt like you suddenly need space the moment a relationship gets more intimate or serious? Maybe you’re scared of getting hurt, so you push the other person away to avoid potential pain.

Example: You and your partner have a great time together, but after a weekend of deep connection, you feel suffocated. You cancel plans or stop responding to their texts, even though deep down, you enjoy being with them.

2. Constantly Criticizing Your Partner

Perfectionism can rear its head in relationships, causing you to pick apart your partner’s habits or behaviors. This can create a negative environment, making both of you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Example: Your partner offers to help with dinner, but instead of appreciating the gesture, you nitpick about how they’re cutting vegetables or washing the dishes. Small criticisms like these can slowly erode the bond.

3. Creating Conflict Over Small Issues

Sometimes, people create drama or pick fights as a way to feel in control or test the strength of the relationship. It might be a subconscious way to keep emotional distance or avoid vulnerability.

Example: You find yourself arguing over something trivial, like what show to watch or how your partner loads the dishwasher. The argument blows up way out of proportion, and afterward, you’re left wondering why it escalated.

4. Setting Unrealistic Expectations

Expecting your partner to meet all of your needs or expecting the relationship to be perfect can set both of you up for disappointment. No one is perfect, and relationships require understanding and compromise.

Example: You expect your partner to know exactly how to cheer you up after a bad day without telling them what you need. When they don’t, you feel let down and withdraw emotionally.

5. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Do you avoid talking about the tough stuff, hoping it will just go away? This is classic self-sabotage because those unresolved issues don’t disappear; they fester.

Example: You notice that your partner has been distant, but instead of bringing it up, you stay silent, afraid of confrontation. The distance grows, and eventually, you both feel disconnected.

6. Sabotaging Happiness by Comparing to Others

Comparing your relationship to others’ can breed dissatisfaction and make you question your partner or the connection you have. Remember, every relationship is unique.

Example: You scroll through social media and see another couple on a fancy vacation. Suddenly, you’re questioning why your partner doesn’t plan extravagant trips, even though your relationship is otherwise happy and fulfilling.

7. Testing Your Partner’s Love

Some people unconsciously test their partner’s commitment by doing things to provoke a reaction, like being overly jealous or creating unnecessary drama, to see how much their partner “cares.”

Example: You accuse your partner of flirting with someone, even though you know deep down it wasn’t true. You’re testing to see if they’ll fight for your attention or reassure you, but this constant testing can drive a wedge between you.

8. Fear of Commitment or Overanalyzing

Do you find yourself overanalyzing your partner’s every move or worrying about whether they’re “the one”? This can stop you from being present in the relationship and enjoying it for what it is.

Example: You overthink every small thing—“Why didn’t they text me back right away?” or “What did they mean by that?”—until you’re so caught up in your thoughts that you miss the opportunity to connect in real-time.

9. Withholding Love or Affection

Sometimes, withholding love or affection is a way to protect yourself, but it can also be a form of self-sabotage that keeps you from truly connecting with your partner.

Example: After a disagreement, instead of talking through it, you give your partner the cold shoulder for days, refusing hugs or kind words, even though part of you craves reconciliation.

10. Thinking You’re Not Good Enough

This is a big one. When you don’t feel worthy of love, you might act in ways that push your partner away before they have the chance to hurt you. It’s a form of preemptive rejection.

Example: You constantly feel like you don’t deserve your partner’s love and assume they’ll leave eventually. As a result, you withdraw or create emotional distance, even when your partner reassures you that they’re committed.

So, What Can You Do?

First, be gentle with yourself. We all have self-sabotaging tendencies, and they usually come from a place of fear or past hurt. Start by identifying your patterns, then talk openly with your partner about what you’ve noticed. Working together to create healthier dynamics can deepen your connection and allow both of you to feel seen and understood.

Remember, relationships require vulnerability, trust, and sometimes uncomfortable conversations. But they also provide opportunities for growth, connection, and love. Don’t let self-sabotage rob you of the meaningful relationships you deserve!

Let’s talk about it more if this resonates with you. Healing these patterns is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Warmly,

Savery Bakker, RPC-c

Registered Professional Counsellor